“Is it safe?” “Am I safe?” The words “safe” and “safety” have been intruding and interrupting many of my conversations lately. They are phrases that have come to the forefront as the #metoo and #timesup movements have surfaced.
As a child, I was sexually molested in my home. The place that was supposed to provide stability, shelter, and family was not always safe for me. From a young age, I learned what to do, where to stand, and where to hide to stay safe. If I was left alone with a male, especially a family member, I cringed on the inside, praying for safety. Praying that THIS time, my mother’s trust wouldn’t be betrayed, and I would be safe.
I joined the Navy when I was seventeen-years-old, looking for safety. The military made me strong and independent, but it did not keep me safe. I married at age eighteen, thinking I had found safety in my first husband. Early in the marriage, I learned that if I touched his temper in just the right spot, I was not going to be safe. So I learned what to do and say to stay safe. It became a way of life that I did not have to think about until I had to think about it.
I did not come face-to-face with “safe” again until last year when my son became violent and out of control. I was fearful and all of my safe went out the window. I went to therapy and learned the root of many of my actions have been driven by my need to feel safe. What I learned in my many talks with my counselor is that safety is paramount to me and that my safety is not found in the people around me or in those who love me. I learned that I was my safe. I could protect myself. I could speak out against wrong when infractions occurred in my relationships. I do not have to keep secrets. I can love. I can forgive.
There are three foundational principles upon which I currently choose to erect my safety:
- I am in control of my safe. I can guard it and protect it any way that I need to in order to be safe. I do not have to be the testing ground for how someone else is choosing to destroy safety. I can say, “Not on my watch. This is a safe place. Safety violations will not take place HERE.”
- Love covers a multitude of sin. One of the things that made it so hard for to move from the sexual violations that were committed against me is that when I told a grownup about the abuse, nothing happened. I was dismissed. No one spoke on my behalf and said, “DO NOT TOUCH HER.” No one defended my safety. This left me angry, always looking for places to defend and fight. I wanted my perpetrators punished, excommunicated, exiled from the family, banished for life. But as I have grown older and wiser, John 3:16 moves me. It propels me towards the heart of God who loves THE WORLD– even the those who have trampled on my safety. And because I want my heart to please God, and I desire that the Transforming God continuously conform me to the image of the Son, I choose to love who God loves. I desire that all be saved. I desire that all have their safe. So I no longer desire that my perpetrators be exposed for the sake of being exposed. I want that God would show them the mercy of Cain. I want them to repent. I want them to be placed under the wings of the TRUE SAFETY giver.
- God is not to be blamed for the evil choices of people. All of humankind operate under the gift of free will. As children of God, we want to see God’s protection as a magic shield that protects us from all harm. When someone penetrates that shield and violates our safety, God is quickly and easily charged with the crime. God is supposed to be the refuge, right? Psalm 46:1 declares, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (NRSV).” God is a refuge and safe place, but God also extends to each person the gift of free will. God is not responsible for the bad and evil choices made by people.
Are you a place of safety? Safe is the act of providing unmerited covering. It extends love but sounds an alarm if needed. It knows when to sound those alarms in private to save the other (Matt. 18:15). It extends itself to give others what they require to feel safe, not what another has established as safe.
If my theology is different than yours, am I safe with you? Will I be judged, preached to, criticized for being who I believe God created me to be? Will I stop getting likes on Facebook? Will you not “friend” me on social media because you only want to extend safety to those who think like you, look like you, or act like you?
What I have learned over the years is that sometimes God’s protection comes in the form of sanity, peace, and strength in the midst of distress. I was hurt when my safety was violated, but I was not destroyed. I now stand strong enough to extend safety to myself and to others. My reconstructed safe is wiser and more secure. The key to my safety is me.
Ossie X. McKinney is minister of music at Faith Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia.