In 2013, when I was in Beijing, China, teaching and doing missions work, I received the second worst call of my life. A call that I will never forget. My mother called and said, “Nell, you need to see if those people will send you home. Henry died this morning in his sleep.” I was floored for the second time in my life. The first time was when my youngest brother was murdered. What do you do when life hits you so hard that it feels as if all of the faith has been knocked out of you? As a minister I found myself struggling to do what I encourage so many other people to do in difficult times.
When I returned home to my family, I was hurting, and I felt like crying, “God, I love you, but I do not like you right now. You have some explaining to do, because I need to know why?” I knew I had to go back to China to finish my contract and the work that God called me to do, but I did not want people to see me, a minister, in a state of brokenness. I could not rush back to China without taking some time to take care of myself and my family.
Six weeks later, I knew it was time for me to return, even though I was still grieving. In leaving home, I was more concerned about my family than about myself. My mother was extra clingy. I knew this would be a difficult transition for my family. I felt conflicted about leaving them, but it was time.
When I got back to China, I threw myself into work and ministry projects. I now know why I had to go back to China during such a difficult time in my life. God sent me back to help a friend and co-worker who lost her brother five months after I lost mine. I was able to relate to her pain and minister to her right where she was.
True healing and submission occurred when I became honest and transparent with God and myself. I was angry with God because of the death of my two brothers, and I was struggling with submitting to God calling me to be a minister. Sometimes the pain that we experience in life is bigger than us. Through my pain, I learned to love and trust God with my whole heart, for he loves and cares about me.