In 2013, pictures of men sitting on subways with their legs spread wide apart took the Internet by storm. Soon the word “manspreading” would be coined to explain this social phenomenon. Manspreading is the practice of men sitting with their legs wide apart to take up more space, usually on but not limited to public transportation. Although the Oxford Dictionary did not adopt the word until August 2015, the public debate against manspreading had long preceded the official recognition of the term.
When the phrase gained traction, I couldn’t help but see it everywhere. Perhaps the most compelling aspect for me was that in the pictures, women could often be spotted making themselves as small as possible to fit next to manspreading men. Some critics noted that women use bags to accomplish the same goal, but I believe this phenomenon provides an interesting distinction between the messages men and women receive about taking up space.
Women are often pressured to be small and take up less space. There is societal pressure to be skinny and petite. But, even as full-bodied woman, I have had to cross my legs and arms in effort to make myself smaller in public spaces. As I continue to reflect on my experience as a pastoral resident, I have noticed that taking up less space goes well beyond the physical. I don’t know when I first received this message, but I’m told it’s pretty universal. For women, and more specifically for women ministers, there is unspoken pressure to act small. We don’t want to take up too much space at the table; we wouldn’t want to step on any toes. The expectation to be small and compliant quickly translates to being less than. This message that our voices are not as important, that we are not important becomes so deeply ingrained that it is almost unnoticeable.
It wasn’t until Carol McEntyre, my pastor and mentor at First Baptist Church in Columbia, Missouri, left for her sabbatical this summer that I was confronted with this reality. While she was away, my responsibilities increased exponentially. Along with my normal tasks, I was preaching more regularly, making more hospital visits, and overseeing a lot of the weekly commitments I had no idea existed. In the beginning, I would immediately undersell my abilities, defer decisions to others, and doubt my competency. This realization shocked me. My tendency to take up less space was exposed when others were turning to me for care. With Carol gone, hiding became a little harder. Slowly, I began to trust myself more and began to carry myself with confidence. Although there is not one defining example to share, Carol’s sabbatical made me think big and dream big. It gave me the opportunity (or perhaps forced me) to take ownership of my pastoral voice and take up space. As Marianne Williamson writes, “Your playing small does not serve the world.” Frame that, and put it on your desk. (I did. It helps!)
I wish there was an easy answer for overcoming the incessant need to be small–if there is, I sure haven’t found it. One thing that has helped is being mentored by an assertive and inspiring pastor. Spending a year with Carol has challenged me to be more confident and brave. If you have ever had the privilege of meeting her or being pastored by her, you know that she carries herself both boldly and confidently. Having a model like her has enabled me to dream a lot bigger than I could ever imagine. This gift of mentoring in a pastoral residency cannot be oversold. Yet, so has being thrusted into a ministerial role that I wasn’t sure I was ready for and discovering that I was made for this all along. I’m tired of trying to be small. This summer has taught me the very thing I try to instill in others: your voice matters, you matter. I matter.
Let’s stop playing small. Take up your space, and serve the world.
Brittany McDonald-Null is the pastoral resident at First Baptist Church, Columbia, Missouri.