“For God alone my soul waits in silence.”–Psalm 62:1

I do not wish to wait in silence because you are not there. I wait. The silence grows louder, oppressive in its emptiness. I am alone in the world, and maybe prayer itself is an illusion—my longing for company, for help, for guidance manifests itself into a deity of my own making. This silence tells me, it is all a joke. There is no god.

The silence means all my fears come rearing up from hibernation. I use the busyness of life to sedate them, to push them away, and to hold them at bay. But in the silence, the haunt of silence, there are no sounds, no noises, no distractions. The fears and the doubts, the regrets and the hurts, they come roaring to life in the silent hour, the quiet moment.

Quick! Put in the headphones, turn on the television, open the laptop. Endless stream of information, come to my rescue. Internet, save me! Gossip, deliver me from the frightening existence of my own inner life. Drama, shopping, Netflix, Twitter—anything—please come to my aid.

No. Stop. Wait.

Sit still. Endure the fright of overwhelming doubt and a mysterious, somewhat unknowable God.

After a long uncomfortable bout with fear, there is a whisper. Just a whisper. No fireworks. No earthquake. No fire. No wind. Just a whisper, slight murmur from the somewhat knowable God. And somehow there is a glimmer of gratitude rising in my heart that this God is not entirely knowable—how boring, how dull, how small, how unhelpful and predictable an entirely knowable God would be. Mystery is invitation.

I listen for its invite. I risk entering the unknown, and somehow this saves me.

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall never be shaken.
Psalm 62:1-2

Kyndall Rae Rothaus is the pastor of Covenant Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. On Sunday, May 31, 2015, she was called by Lake Shore Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, to be their new pastor.  She is the author of Preacher Breath, available at Smyth and Helwys. She blogs at kyndallrae.com.