In less than three days, my family, friends, colleagues, supporters, and fellow church members will gather for my ordination. Many will make the trip to Atlanta for this special occasion in my life; some of them will travel long distances just to be here. I am a bit, well more than a bit, overwhelmed by that knowledge.
I have also been a bit overwhelmed by the question, “Aren’t you excited?” Wonderful, caring friends have asked me this question. Church members, students, and acquaintances have also asked me. And I don’t have a settled answer. I don’t know quite what to say. “Excited, not really” doesn’t seem appropriate. Neither does, “Nervous. I am rather nervous about the whole thing.” As one who lives in the world of words, I can’t even find ones to express how I am feeling these days.
My inability to articulate in any intelligent way has driven me to prayer, reflection, and some hand wringing. Okay, more than some. A lot of hand wringing. And here is what I am learning about ordination and myself.
Ordination, of course, entails words of blessing and the physical act of affirmation through the laying on of hands. Over the past fifteen years, I have attended and participated in countless ordinations. I have spoken words of blessings, prayed over, and laid hands upon dozens of women and men, and I have felt the power of the spirit, experienced God’s presence. I am grateful for those moments.
As I have pondered and prayed, I have realized that giving blessing comes easily and naturally to me. I cherish the opportunity to bless. But . . . I do not easily or naturally receive blessing. I hesitate to hear or accept words of affirmation, and my impending ordination has pushed me to admit this about myself and to begin working on myself. I am still in process of learning to open my heart and to live with a receiving spirit.
My second realization is that ordination involves much mystery, a concept which was beautifully expressed by Molly Marshall, president of Central Baptist Theological Seminary. In her article, “The Mystery of Ordination,” Molly noted that “In God’s mysterious calculus of grace, these [ordained ministers] lead and accompany God’s church as it makes its slow journey through history toward the City of God.”
There is much that I do not understand about this mysterious working of God through ordination. There is much that I have yet to learn, and to be honest, living into this mystery is a struggle for me. I am a concrete thinker, an organizer, an over-planner. I maintain careful control of my calendar, my emotions, and just about everything else that is controllable in life. But ordination, this mysterious gift of affirmation and “set apartness,” has challenged me and is challenging me to trust. To trust that God is at work. To trust that God is in this. To trust that my church and the BWIM Leadership Team were right in their request that I be ordained. And frankly, all that trusting has been hard, really hard.
So in the days remaining before my ordination, I have blocked out some hours to pray and to rest. I don’t want to miss what God has in store. I very much want to be ready to hear, ready to receive, ready to open my heart. And in these days, your prayers are surely appreciated!
Pam Durso is executive director of Baptist Women in Ministry, Atlanta, Georgia.