“O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands and call on your name. My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast, and my mouth praises you with joyful lips when I think of you on my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”–Psalm 63:1-8
My soul thirsts. My flesh faints. This is why I have stopped letting myself want you. Soul-thirsting, flesh-fainting agony I face when I want but you do not show. It is too hard to have spiritual wants. Frequently they lead to disappointment.
I’ll settle for a god I can define, who is small enough to keep in a box, who I can control, who I can understand. I will settle for a god I can trust to be just the way I expect. I will settle for a god I know how to defend . . .
No, wait, this will never do. It isn’t too often, but now and again I have caught a glimpse of who you really are and it was too big for a box. You were love. You were power. You were bigger than life. You expanded my soul, you satisfied my heart, you lingered from my thoughts into my dreams, you infected my lips with songs of joy.
When I lose that connection with you, I feel bereft and dry and thirsty. I feel faint. I feel abandoned.
Please tell me you have not left. Please tell me we are not through. Please tell me I have not misunderstood that you are there, somewhere. Please tell me I am not the only one who wants. Please tell me you are reaching towards me too.
Kyndall Rae Rothaus is the pastor of Covenant Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. On Sunday, May 31, 2015, she was called by Lake Shore Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, to be their new pastor. She is the author of Preacher Breath, available at Smyth and Helwys. She blogs at kyndallrae.com.